The weather has been strange here lately. The sun warmed the Seattle air up to the 60s just a couple of weeks ago, but it has retreated into hiding and rain and 40-degree temperatures have taken over once again. I expect the cold, rain and darkness, but somehow it becomes less bearable just after such a beautifully warm and sunny week.
I’m finding the same is true internally. The emotional dark and coldness becomes increasingly unbearable when it’s one you sink into after just dancing in the sunlight. You might guess that this emotional roller coaster is the result of the loneliness which has received brief mention in my earlier posts, but you’d be wrong. This is an emotion I’m almost entirely unfamiliar with: jealousy.
Throughout my life, I’ve not been much of a jealous person. But recently the story has been different. There are so many beautiful, talented women I know whom, when I lie awake at night, I’m comparing myself to. And I always fall short. I find I second guess myself in nearly every department. I’m not nearly as pretty as her. She’s so much more creative than I am. I will never be able to make art the way she does. If only I had a voice like that.
It’s as if I’m consciously walking away from the sunshine and then wondering why I’m so cold.
You’ll never get anywhere through comparison.
A good friend told me the way to overcome an all-consuming jealousy was through celebration.
Celebrate the person for all their uniqueness, for the gifts God gave them.
And then celebrate myself for my uniqueness and the gifts God gave me.
I’ve never received such practical advice.
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
So today, instead of comparison, I choose celebration.
Instead of clouds and 40 degrees, I choose the warmth and comfort of a late-morning sun.
And to those I previously demonized through my own envy, I celebrate you; I celebrate your art, your perfect hair, the way you know how to play every instrument and sing the way I imagine we all will one day in heaven.
Come dance in the sunshine with me.